MEDIA RELEASE: New President of Lebanon elected

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Unlisted Thoughts is proud to announce that former Commander of the Lebanese Armed Forces (LAF), Joseph Aoun, has been elected President of Lebanon by the ever-divided Lebanese parliament.

President Aoun brings with him the credentials of being a Maronite Christian, a man with the surname Aoun, and former Commander of the LAF. Unlisted Thoughts can confirm that President Aoun is, for all intents and purposes, a distinct person from his predecessor, Michel Aoun, even though they share the same surname. Based on careful observation of their hairline, Unlisted Thoughts believes that the two are unrelated.

For his fifteenth official act as President, Unlisted Thoughts calls on President Aoun to take off the uniform and get a decent presidential portrait. Otherwise, he will look like a South American dictator. If possible, this portrait should be freely licensed for people of the internet and the world, which includes Lebanon, to use at their pleasure.

Unlisted Thoughts calls on Lebanon, in accordance with Article 4 of the Lebanese Constitution, to maintain their capital in Beirut.

Unlisted Thoughts wishes President Aoun all the best. With all the tragedies, transgressions, and tedium that has afflicted Lebanon, President Aoun and his army of ministers have a lot to do. 

Unlisted Thoughts is happy to know that the Council of Ministers will no longer exercise the powers of the President under delegation, in accordance with Article 62 of the Lebanese Constitution, now that there’s a Maronite Christian to do so. 

Unlisted Thoughts hopes President Aoun can complete his six-year term, but we remained doubtful. We expect President Aoun to be succeeded by a three-year vacancy.

Mitchell Rourke impersonating the Hon Bob Katter MP said:

 “No, [my grandfather] is not. He’s Australian, and I resent strongly you describing him as Lebanese. That is a racist comment, and you should take it back, and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying it in public.

“You know, I think that asking people about where their forebears come from or commenting upon it is the height of bad manners. If my mother had ever heard me talking about money or about someone's racial origins I would've got a big hiding.”

Eminent person in Lebanon Hassan Mounir Al-Husseini said:

 “Khoury is a shyster and a charlatan, and I don’t trust him with my money, but he’s my friend. I’m not going to let you slander him while he’s out there and you’re in here. You know what? You’re a coward. That’s what you are, you are a coward. You bring shame to your family. Yes, you bring shame.”

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Media Contact: Joseph Cook